#MeToo - And Why Logic Is Inappropriate to Discect the Trauma of Sexual Assault

I am deeply troubled by the well-intentioned but fundamentally inaccurate discussions and dialogue I hear from my friends and family and colleagues regarding sexual assault.  They incorrectly use logical conclusions to dissect and question traumatic reactions.  Current media events have provided plenty of fotter for discussion.

I am troubled not just because the logic-based conclusion are inaccurate.  I am most troubled because I realize that the inaccuracies in our perception mean that we are not preparing our wives, sisters, daughters and friends to weather similar situations. When the women in our lives hear us brazenly declare "what we think we know" about a place we have never been, we silence them from reporting what happens to them.  When their traumatic reaction conflicts with the logical conclusions they hear us so confidently declare, they stay silent and blame themselves. And even worse, by silencing victims with "what we think we know," we create an environment to enable predators to go undetected.

So I share my experience.  My experience shattered my pre-existing “logical” perceptions. Please think and reflect before you opine to dissect someone else's trauma.  I could never have predicted how I would have responded during and after a sexual assault. And my response was not logical. 

Learn from my experience.  

As you know, I am strong.  I am educated. I am sophisticated.  I have dealt with hard things in my life.  I am not young and inexperienced.  I am a fierce adversary in the boardroom or courtroom. I have powerful and influential friends. I am not defenseless. I have skills and tools and resources. 

As you know, I dress modestly. I use judgment with my social company.  I don’t put myself into unwise situations.  I don't party or keep the company of strange men.  And I don’t inappropriately flirt (actually…I probably never learned how to flirt at all).  I would never visualize myself as a victim. And I placed myself at very low risk for sexual assault.

So I share my story to my friends and colleagues who know me as I am because I realize that understanding my experience gives informed insight into the discussion.  It will help us better understand victims. It will help us promote healing. It will help us better prevent predators.  It will help us to prepare our friends and daughters with tools.

Two years ago…

I would have been much less interested in all of the recent dialogue regarding sexual assault. 

I would have felt sympathy for all of the women telling their stories.  But, they would have simply looked like unfortunate women with less judgment, less defense, and less sophistication.

My family, my friends and my colleagues would not have discussed defense, support or planning.  It would have been an unfortunate situation that happens to other people.

I would have nodded in tacit agreement to well-intentioned and seemingly well-reasoned logic challenges to assault claims:

·         “Why did she put herself in that situation?”

·         “Why didn’t she stop it immediately?” 

·         “Why did she put herself in the situation?” 

·         “What fault did she have in encouraging it?”

·         “If it was real, why didn’t she report it immediately?”

·         “Could one 20 minute experience really be that harrowing?  Don’t make such a big deal of it.”

I would have imagined that, if I were ever in a sexual assault situation, I would immediately resist, fight back, report it, and move on.  Because that is what any women in a situation that “really happened” would do.  If a woman didn't invite or contribute to the situation with bad judgment, there would be no reason to stay silent.

I have many very honorable men in my life.  Many of them would never victimize a women.  Because they know that they would never take uninvited action, their default is to assume that men don't initiate sexual contact with women unless it is invited, expressly or implied.  Unwanted sexual invitations from the women in their workplaces or peer groups reinforce these ideas.  So many honorable men assume that all sexual assault victims invite the conduct or are somehow to blame for the situation - or it wouldn't have happened.  And they directly or impliedly communicate these sentiments to their wives and sisters and daughters.

These perceptions seemed reasonable to me.  I was probably persuaded by them. It contributed to my lack of defense and preparation. And it exacerbated my trauma.

Then It Happened to Me…

Reflecting upon my reaction during and after the encounter has helped me to understand that “your logic” is an inaccurate measuring tool to dissect “my trauma.” My situation and my reaction made no logical sense. Unlike frequent victims, I was not trapped.  I was not in a powerless situation.  I was not scared of him.  He had no career power over me.   He had no influence on my life.  I was not intimidated by him. I did not believe he would physically harm me. I was free to leave.  I was free to scream.  All objective indicators would indicate I should never have felt trapped by the encounter, it shouldn't have happened, and it should not have impacted me.

Yet…in the moment.  I froze.  I couldn’t move. I didn’t protest. I didn’t scream. I didn’t leave.  I didn’t fight back. I just froze. I hated it.  I wanted it to stop. He knew it was not welcome. But I was physically unable to do anything to end the situation.

There was nothing logic about the way I reacted.  There is no logical reason why this should be my story.  It does not make sense even to me. 

But it is what happened.  That is how I reacted.

I would have likely criticized and questioned my story if told by someone else.  I would have swiftly declared that it "didn't add up."  And I would have determined that it "shouldn't have been that big of a deal" and any discussion of it would have seemed like attention-seeking drama.  I would have told me to just quit thinking about it and move on with my life.

 
In the months that have gone by, I have replayed those minutes in my head consciously and in many nightmares.  Perhaps I was so startled by the situation that it took me minutes to realize that it was actually happening to me.  Perhaps the surprise and trauma of the situation rendered me unable to respond.  Perhaps my failure to plan and prepare a plan of response impacted my ability to respond.  Perhaps his brazenness startled me. Perhaps my initial delay in responding hindered me from subsequently stopping it because I felt responsible for "letting it" start. Perhaps I thought that if I didn't move or respond that it would simply stop.

The Trauma Did Not End with the Encounter…

When I left, I vowed to just pretend like it never happened. How could 20 minutes have any measurable impact on me?   I would convince myself it didn’t happen.  If I didn't mention it to anyone, I could erase those terrible minutes. If I made it go away, I would never have to discuss it. It would just go away. 

Perhaps my sophistication and education in fact exacerbated my fears.  I knew that saying something or reporting it would mean that I would have to talk about it.  So, initially, I vowed to focus my power on erasing the situation from my memory.

I went home and curled up under my covers with my stuffed bunny. And tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t eat.  For days.  Those minutes kept playing through my mind.  Over.  And over.  And over. Even though I tried to erase it away.  I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  The trauma physically impacted me.  My body ached.  My muscles hurt.  It continued for weeks.

As the encounter continued to haunt me, I realized that the brazen nature of his conduct meant that this was not his first time. I was not the first victim.  I would not be the last.  My immediate focus was on myself.  I didn't want to be the poster child for some cause.  I would leave the crusading to someone else.  Silence was a better path for me.

It didn't take long to realize I could not erase the encounter and its impact on me would continue to linger.  And I realized that the impact would be even more traumatic for a younger and more vulnerable victim with less tools, less experience, and less support.  So... for her sake... I reported it. Reluctantly.

Reporting it exacerbated my emotional turmoil.  On the way out of the police station, I vomited in the bushes. I sat shaking in my car for nearly an hour before I was steady enough to drive.   Why? I did not fear retaliation.

I was overcome by guilt.  Guilt because I knew reporting the situation would cause consequences that would impact his life and his career and his license.  That guilt was paralyzing.  It was crushing.  And it would not go away.  And it certainly wasn’t a logical reaction. But it was real.  And it was intense.

I started to blame myself.  I thought that if I had stopped the encounter immediately "like I should have,"  it never would have happened. I could have prevented him from putting himself in the situation.  It was "my fault" for not leaving or protesting or fighting.  And the guilt grew…

I had the foresight to realize that I would benefit from professional help.  Obviously I have the means to pay for it and the sophistication to retain it.  My heart aches for the victims who do not.  And as the months went by, the fear and the guilt started to fade. More peace returned with healing.

At first, talking about it was extremely difficult.  I struggled to tell even the people closet to me.  Even though I know these people love me and understand me and value me.  I could never have guessed how hard it was simply to explain the situation to people who I knew would never question me or attack me. There was no logic to my fear.  But the fear was real.  As I continued to discuss it, it got easier.  The more I talked about it, the more I was able to process and let go of the emotions.  The more light lessened the darkness.  And the healing was able to start.

During the subsequent criminal investigation, several other women who had not previously come forward were identified and shared their similar experiences.  I was not the first for this predator.  I would likely have not been the last.  But it made me realize how the fear of reporting situations (like my fear), means that predators continue to repeat their conduct.

I realize younger and more vulnerable women who experience sexual assault likely have an exponentially more traumatic response than I did.  And my experience shattered my world ... for weeks.

What You Can Learn from My Experience…

This is the important part of my story.  How can you learn from it. 

Because you know me, understanding my story can help you understand that "what you think you know" doesn't fit my story.  With logic, you surmise how you, your daughter, or your friends would react.  But... my experience suggests that you are probably very wrong.  My reaction should not make any more sense to you than it does to me.   It wasn't what I would have expected.  I wasn't what I would have picked.  I certainly wasn't what I wanted.  It wasn't logical.  But it was real.  It actually happened.

In our safe suburban environments and our educated minds, we incorrectly apply logic and reasoning and rationalization to dissect situations.  But our logic is fundamentally inaccurate in the paradigm of trauma. I have heard it over and over.  To criticize Bill Cosby's accusers.  To criticize Donald Trump's accusers. And now to analyze recent Hollywood events.

To be clear, I am not endorsing or questioning any woman's story. There are and will continue to be false claims of sexual assault. And a number of choices can significantly increase the risk of becoming a victim of sexual assault. I seek not to address those complicated issues. 

But I do vehemently challenge the logic and conclusions that I hear my friends and my family and my colleagues apply to sexual assault situations.  We hear encounters reported in the news (that none of us really know anything about), we make conclusions based upon "what makes sense to us."  Before it happened to me, I would not have been concerned by this dialogue.  It would have seemed to fit.  But it does not!  And our global misunderstanding contributes to the problem. So please don't perpetuate it.

So why do we do it?  Maybe we resort to logic because it helps us avoid sitting in that uncomfortable place of empathy with a victim?  But I think most of us resort to logic because we completely misunderstand a victim’s experience with sexual assault. We haven't been there.  We assume we would react differently.  So we judge her reaction. We don't think that a short encounter can have a lasting impact.  We rationalize that because her story "doesn't make sense" that it could not have happened the way she reported it. And we dismiss her story because it doesn't seem like it should have left a lasting wound anyway.  And we are very good at finding fault to send some of the blame her way.

And here is my challenge to you based on what I now know.

1.       Come up with a plan – for yourself and your daughters

I grew up as a child with the Safety Kids tapes.  I was prepared for every possible circumstance as a child. I knew all of the words to all of the songs. I rehearsed all situations with my parents.  We visualized and planned and prepared.  We role played. I knew what to do if I got lost in the grocery store.  I knew what to do if a stranger offered me candy.  I knew my phone number, my address, and my parent’s names…

But nobody ever talked to me about sexual assault. Ever.  I never imagined it would happen to me – someone with good judgment.

I believe that if I had used those same Safety Kid preparedness tactics to discuss and plan for a similar situation, I would have reacted immediately to stop the situation.  Having a pre-identified plan would have lessened the shock and trauma enough for me to mobilize immediately rather than freeze.

Do you have a plan?  Do your daughters and wives and sisters have a plan?  Why not?

Don't dismiss victims of sexual assault as unwise, complicit, and "asking for it."  Perhaps some of they may fall into these categories.  But ... this default perception exacerbates our global misunderstanding in at least two key ways: (I) it discourages women from reporting sexual assault and (ii) it empowers predators by condoning their conduct.  If we don't shine a light on it, predatory conduct continues in the darkness.  And victims hide in the darkness.

2.       Eliminate the stigma of discussing an assault experience

Discussing the experience with a handful of friends was extremely healing. But it took a surprising amount of courage. Eliminate the fear of discussing an experience. Make sure that your friends and your sisters and your daughters know that you want them to be comfortable discussing traumatic experiences with them. 

Help them know that you will not judge them but that you will support them.  Even though they may not face a similar experience for years, they will remember your invitation and it will eliminate the fear of discussing the situation.

      3.       Tell More than One Friend – Not Everyone Reacts Appropriately

I was glad that I told more than one person.  The first person, the one from whom I anticipated the most support, was dismissive.  Had I stopped there, I would have missed an opportunity for healing and support.  Expect that even someone who cares for you may not have the appropriate skill set to support you.  So don’t stop with one person. Try again.

      4.       Be an Empathetic Listener

Just like nobody every prepared me to deal with a sexual assault.  Nobody ever prepared me to support a victim.  My experience on other side of the fence has helped me realize ways to support a victim.  Don’t be bossy.  Don’t be dismissive.  Don’t be impatient with the feelings, even if they don’t make sense to you.  Express love and understanding.  Express that you care, even if you don’t know what to do. 

I didn't want to talk about it very often. I didn't want it to define me.  But as it played in my head, I did need my friends to reach out and comfort me.  Just knowing that my friends were aware of me and there for me was significant.

Realize that a victim processes their experience in layers.  Realize the fears and the feelings are overwhelming.  They won’t go away immediately.  Healing cannot be rushed and no degree of logic or explanation can make the feelings and fears disappear.  Don’t try to explain them away.  Don’t try to minimize the experience.  Have the patience and empathy to stay in that dark place with a victim.  Stay with them so that they can feel your love.

The powerless part of empathy is realizing that we can't erase the situation.  We can't take away the pain.  But we can sit with someone in their discomfort and let them feel our love.  The friends who supported me didn't need to ask about the event.  They just let me know they cared about me.  The made me feel loved and protected.  They just called to check in on me generally.  This helped me know that if I ever needed to talk about it, they were there for me.

5.       Recognize the Complexities of Reporting the Situation

A well-intentioned response may be to pressure the victim to immediately report the situation. I am not convinced that immediate reporting is an appropriate one-size-fits-all situation.  There are always consequences to reporting a sexual assault.  Perhaps employment consequences.  Legal consequences. Social consequences.  Family consequences.  And definitely emotional consequences. 

I could never have anticipated the emotional consequences of going to the police.  I made the decision on my own timing with my own reasons.  That probably made it easier.  But the emotional impact of reporting it was more overpowering than even the initial encounter.

Don’t push someone to take action that they are not ready to take.  Help them consider the consequences to prepare themselves to make an informed decision.  But it needs to be the victim’s decision.  And if the victim makes a decision that you disagree with, attempt to support their decision and their timing.